Worst Wines for Celebrating National
Wine Day
According to that interweb thing, the Pittsburgh Chapter of the American Wine Society is
“A
non-profit, educational, consumer-oriented organization for those interested in
learning more about all aspects of wine.”
In keeping with the “all” bit of
the above statement, we would like to take this occasion to celebrate
those bottlings that are consumed every day,
not just National Wine Day, by thousands of
Americans but go unappreciated simply because they don’t cost much and taste
like “a diaper pail full of mushrooms.”
Having consulted our most trusted sources (Harry “The Hat” on the Northside, and our
own cellar) we're ready to unveil our Foulest Wines on the Planet.
These are the gross lees of wine, but they're also the
utility players, the wine equivalents to the Cleveland Browns, the Brooklyn
Nets and, God bless them, the entire McLaren F1 team, that do their job every
day without fanfare or recognition.
You know, this is the stuff that gets you drunk.
Ripple
"Ain't no party with no Ripple!", said Fred
Sanford. This is a “posthumous”
inclusion, since it is no longer available. Ripple was a fortified wine with a
comparatively low alcohol content of 11 percent produced by E.&J. Gallo
Winery, the largest exporter of California wines and the company responsible
for Carlo Rossi, Boone's Farm and Barefoot wines. Though not produced today,
Ripple enjoyed popularity in the Seventies in no small part because the brand was
often featured on Sanford and Son.
MD 20/20
The "MD" stands for this wine's producer, Mogen
David, but it’s known throughout the South Side Flats as "Mad Dog." A
fortified beverage, MD 20/20 comes in a wide variety of fruity flavors. In
olden times (which is to say, when I was stealing from the liquor cabinet in
High School), Mad Dog was available in variations that ranged up to 18 percent
ABV, but you are now only able to find 13 percent.
Arbor Mist
New York-based Arbor Mist is all about flavor. Whether you
prefer the Mixed Berry Pinot Noir or the Island Fruits Pinot Grigio, they have
a wine for you. They aren't high in alcohol content, but Arbor Mist offers
twelve flavors, plus two sparkling variations, to sample while watching The
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon. (Or your next PTA meeting) OK. So, it’s not really “wine”, but it’s close
enough.
Boone’s Farm
Did you realize that Boone's Farm wine still exists? It
does, and Gallo is still pumping out this classic. Why? Or, more to the
point, for whom?
Wine is an acquired taste, and like all tastes developed
over time, it had to start somewhere. For many, it was a place called Boone's
Farm.
Perhaps the most sought-after vintage from the Boone's varied
collection, Strawberry Hill's source fruit is, vaguely, "citrus", and
it shows. Between the sweetness and the bubbles, it tastes like flat Sprite
mixed with artificial strawberry-flavored syrup. Nonetheless, it brings back
great memories of drinking too much in your parents' basement.
ChocoVine
Never heard of this dessert wine? Neither had we, until we
got a bottle as a Christmas gift. According to ChocoVine's website, this blend
consists of a "fine French Cabernet subtly combined with a rich dark
chocolate from Holland." It tastes like a milkshake blended in cough syrup.
Thunderbird
"The American Classic"! Also, "Citrus wine
with natural flavors and caramel color vinted and bottled in Modesto". Thunderbird is vinted and bottled by E. &
J. Gallo Winery, in Modesto, CA. The
label says that it is made by “Thunderbird, Ltd.”
Apparently, "American Classic" means a syrupy
flavor that's both bitter and sweet, and 17.5% ABV. It tastes a bit like corn
syrup mixed with bottom shelf vodka that was left out in the sun. If you like
to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird.
As a bonus, Thunderbird is available in a 50 oz. jug, in
case you’re headed to the Disco, and want to share with your dancing friends. Just remember to bring the grapefruit juice.
Night Train Express
Night Train Express is the red-headed step child of E &
J Gallo Winery. Nowhere on the bottle
will you see mention of this, but Night Train and Thunderbird were the wines
upon which the Gallo brothers paved their road to winemaking legitimacy.
It tastes almost exactly like Thunderbird, but with a
handful of sugar and some Red Dye No. 1 added to the mix. Night Train will put
a fire in your belly and have you making bad life decisions in record time.
It's an 18% ABV that will screw up your judgment after the first couple of drinks.
That is, if you don't pass out first.
But Guns N' Roses dedicated a song to it, so at least it's
got one famous group of fans out there.
Wild Irish Rose
According to the Interweb, Wild Irish Rose is named after a
fact-based 1947 movie about Irish singer Chauncey Olcott. The thorn in your hangover is a wild
rose. Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in
Canandaigua, NY, for more than five decades, WIR at 17% ABV has been warming
bellies around garbage can fires all over this great land. A web page which
claims that “Richard’s Wild Irish Rose was named after the son of Canandaigua’s
current president, Richard Sands.
It basically tastes like Merlot with a terrible aftertaste
like Robitussin. It definitely has that "loaded with grapes" flavor,
but those grapes are probably from Giant Eagle.
Special Award of
Distinction -Buckfast
Unless you’re from the UK or
Ireland, you may not be familiar with Buckfast. You can call it the British
version of our Four Loko. It’s a
fortified tonic wine that, while only 15 percent alcohol, has more caffeine by
volume than Red Bull and is loaded with sugar and other tasty chemicals.
Interestingly, it’s also made by a community of Benedictine monks living in
Devon, England, which doesn't seem very Christian, but it does make the abbey
some big money.
The Rule of St. Benedict espouses the virtues of obedience,
moderation, and humility among its followers. Buckfast Tonic Wine, originally
produced by the monks who follow these tenets, allegedly promotes civil
disobedience, violence, and insolence among its imbibers. Hopefully the Benedictine
monks of Buckfast Abbey, who haven’t distributed the wine since 1927, but are
still credited with its production on the label, have as great an appreciation
for irony as they do obedience.
You know how when opened red wine is left out in a warm area
for a few days, it turns the brownish-red color of old blood? That’s the color
of Buckfast fresh out of the bottle. It has a syrupy consistency, more on par
with flat Coke than wine.
Usually you
would feel a little trashy drinking wine out paper cups instead of proper glasses,
but in this case, pouring it into anything, no matter how humble, seems like
overkill. Buckfast is clearly meant to be guzzled straight out of the bottle,
preferably inside a paper bag so as not to offend anyone with its terrible
label and sludgy looks.
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