TERRY GERMANOSKI’S
BREAD
(He’s right: an
idiot can do it. I’ve tested it on me.)
1. You want a large mixing bowl and a large
bottle of wine to go with it as the process can spread out over a few days.
2. You also need bread flour, rather than
all-purpose flour. I don’t know why this is true, but it is. Trust
me.
3. This sounds like such a simple recipe—I mean
it’s got four ingredients and you don’t even knead it—so start with a light,
celebratory sipper: bubbly.
4. Put 3 cups of bread flour in the bowl.
And don’t get skimpy just because you’re not sifting it and you know that would
change the measurement somehow.
5. Add 1.5 teaspoons of regular old tiny-crystal
salt.
6. Add a generous 1/2 teaspoon of dry
yeast. Yes, that stuff in the foil packet your mother used to buy.
But it shouldn’t BE the package that’s been at the back of your mom’s
shelf. You need some that’s new-ish. And you can close the foil
envelope containing the rest of the yeast with a paper clip. Stick that
to one of your refrigerator magnets so you can find it next time you need
it. Just be sure you buy a brand whose label matches your kitchen decor.
7. Stir the dry ingredients together, keeping as
much inside the bowl as possible.
8. If you want to add herbs—oregano or rosemary
are great!—do so now.
9. Add 1.5 cups of warm, not hot, water.
No, you don't have to do the yeast separately. I don’t know why our Moms
did, either.
10. Stir the mixture until it’s all wet. And
it will be wet.
11. Cover the bowl with a towel or plastic wrap,
but put it over the top of the bowl, not on the dough. If you were to put
plastic wrap directly on the dough, it would become annoyed and try to crawl
away.
12. Place the bowl somewhere it can sit
undisturbed for the next 18 hours, or possibly 2 days.
13. Have a snack to clear your palate and then
change to a heartier, muscle-building wine: perhaps a Malbec.
14. You are going to be baking this, covered, in a
450-degree oven, so you need something with a little attitude to bake it
in. I use a big, round, deep cast iron pan with a heavy cast iron
lid. This is stupid because I can barely lift it, but there you are.
You could use a Crockpot pot and lid. If you can see through the lid,
that’s a plus. If you put the metal part of the Crockpot in the oven, you
need to stop drinking.
15. If you missed the part about not putting the
plastic wrap directly on the dough you might want to use a pizza stone and bake
the dough uncovered. Then you will have another pizza stone. That
is where pizza stones come from.
16. Whatever you are going to use, oil it well
(including the inside of the lid, just in case it actually rises). This
is a WONDERFUL use for that world’s-best-bacon fat.
17. Wind the cuckoo clocks, catch up on your
email, practice your vocal exercises, and transplant your Swedish ivy. In
between projects, peek at the dough to see what it looks like. Oddly, it
should keep getting wetter.
18. When large bubbles become apparent under the
dough’s surface, but before it looks like that guy’s face on the bus—You know,
the second grossest scene in all of the “X Files” (after the fluke-man throwing
up in the shower)—it’s time to punch it down. This will not be as
satisfying as it would be with normal dough, because this one fights back.
19. Before you wade in, take a good long drink of
wine because it’s going to be a while before you want to put your hands on that
stem again.
20. Lay out lots of flour on a clean, dry, large
surface, and dip both your hands in same. All-purpose flour is fine for
this.
21. Convince, by whatever means necessary, the
dough to come out of the bowl and land in the flour. Moosh it down so the
bubbles pop and the wet surface incorporates enough flour to stop sticking to
your forearms.
22. Form the dough into the shape of whatever you
are going to bake it in, but make it exactly 0.78 as big around.
23. If you are having trouble with the ratio, have
more wine until you get it just right.
24. Place the dough gently on a huge pile of
flour, with a 2” margin of more flour around it.
25. Now back away slowly and don’t make eye
contact.
26. Put a record on. I SAID A RECORD.
An LP. Vinyl. It’s a perfect timer. Play side 1,
dancing. Flip it over. Play side 2, singing.
27. At the end of side 2, put the needle back in
its cradle and go to the kitchen.
28. Look at the dough. You know: raise
your left thumb straight out in front of you and peer at your nascent
creation. Baking is an art. Jackson Pollock and Pablo Picasso were
both inspired by recipes similar to this one. Is it ready to go into the
oven? You are the artist! You get to decide! And there are no
wrong decisions!
29. Unless you put plastic wrap on top of the
dough.
30. If it’s not ready, repeat steps 26-28 until it
is or until you’ve given up all hope of it rising.
31. Start heating the oven to 450 degrees.
If the dough looks sluggish, put it in the room-temp pan and into the oven so
it can be all it can be. If your dough already shows enthusiasm for this
project, high-five it, put the pan in the oven to pre-heat, and then show the
dough the way to the pre-heated pan.
32. Do you know someone who’s strong, not too
bright, and infinitely malleable? Oh you lucky dog you. Have them
put the pan in the oven.
33. If all others have fled—your singing might
have had something to do with that—you get to put the pan in the oven.
34. Remember that you put ice on burns, not
grease.
35. Set a timer so that you remember you have
something in the oven. After 25 minutes, look into the oven. If you
have a see-through lid, and the bread looks like, you know, bread,
woo-hoo! If you like a crunchier crust, uncover it and let it bake a few
more minutes.
36. If you can’t see the bread because of the cast
iron lid, just take the lid off. Is it done? Probably. Take
it out. Thump the side of the loaf. If it sounds like bread—well,
again, you might want to lay off the booze a bit.
37. Let it cool. This is important. If
you try to cut the bread when it’s still all warm and doughy, so that it smooshes
into a delicious handful of hot yum, the butter will run right off onto your
hands and feet.
38. Ok. Grease does make burns feel better.