Dear Friend,
Greetings from the echoes of what
some folks like to call “Black Friday”–a day on which so many of us cash those
early Christmas bonuses. Anyway, since our
treasury was a little depleted, your Board Members decided to make all our own
gifts this year. It was getting a little
boring having the champagne dinner at Le Mont (as we usually do with the
treasury money) anyway. It’s been so
much fun bonding as we create treasures from the old tinfoil, unused building
materials, and scraps of wine cases. We did, however, want to update you on the
accomplishments of your elected Board Members this past year, so:
Bev, the Potentate of Programs, has recently
taken to expressing herself through poetry during her therapy sessions free
time, so we’ll let her start us off with holiday poem:
“Season’s greetings and fleeting meetings, with the ones we
love, on earth and above.
Let’s spread our cheer o’er many climes, during these
wonderful and happy times—
Alright, that’s it, enough of this crap. The in-laws are
here, so much for my nap.
I spilled my wine, that’s just my luck, “But Mom, it’s
Christmas!” Yeah? Who gives a f—
It’s a work in
progress. . .
Dennis realized the one thing that
he hadn’t finished from his bucket list, besides remodeling the bathroom, was
to become a professional basketball player.
So he began training in late May, bought several hundred dollars’ worth
of supplements down at GNC, more Ace bandages than Florence Nightingale would
know what to do with, got a membership to Club Julian, and proceeded to burn
himself raw on their newest tanning bed.
After he got out of the trauma ward, he vowed that sports had not seen
the last of him. As far as I can determine,
this means he spends Saturdays, Sundays, and Monday nights avoiding Kathleen by
dodging behind the big screen down at The James Street Tavern.
Guess who finally got
called to Jury Duty after throwing herself on the mercy of the court? Kathleen
was selected, with “a jury of her peers,” to serve on a trial that started
December 1st. That is why this letter is getting to you so late. She was doing her
civic duty, and trying to earn enough money to treat Dennis to some steaks on
the Barbie at Outback Steakhouse.
The night before her
jury duty, Kathleen did some brushing up by skimming the Declaration of
Independence, the amendments to the Constitution, and contemplated the historic
court cases like Plessy v. Ferguson and Brown v. the Board of Education.
Finally, she perused the Emancipation Proclamation for good measure. She wanted
to be prepared for whatever might be asked during her tenure as a juror.
This summer, Tim hiked the
entire circumference of each of the Finger Lakes in his Birkenstocks while
carrying three Haitian orphans on his back. In September, he invented a fuel
injection system that will allow cars to get 500 miles per gallon. But most
impressive of all, after years of intensive training, he finally learned how to
put down the toilet seat.
Brittany started the
year by designing an entire line of swimwear for cats. In March she achieved
enlightenment and went to Tibet to have a glass of banana wine with the Dalai
Lama. In October, movie studios went
into a bidding frenzy for the rights to her best-selling, coming-of-age/mystery/fantasy/thriller
tome, “Planet of the Grapes.”
This past year, Marie
received national recognition for watching every Christmas movie broadcast by
the Hallmark Channel in 2015. In addition, she single handedly saved Amazon
from financial ruin with her online purchases.
As many of you know, Marie
is a great lover of cultural treasures and is always on the lookout for
artifacts that can potentially unlock the mysteries of our ancestors, and that
might also match the earth-toned color scheme of her guest house. In April of 2015, she
unearthed the lost Anasazi City of Lukachukai with a band of Navajo pot
hunters. Like you, I assumed lost cities were confined to ocean floors and 19th
century jungles, but this massive, century-old cliff dwelling is a testament to
the few undiscovered wonders still hidden in the world. The clay walls didn’t stand a chance against
Marie’s new axe (purchased on Amazon, I might add). She came away with as many ochre colored skulls as she could carry!
The summer was fairly
inconsequential for Terry and Pat. Terry won a handful of journalism awards,
lost funding for his research project on determining the five best kinds of
monkeys and finally got those drapes that Pat had been wanting. He also fought
a cow, but that’s a story for another time.
Since it snowed last
night in Butler, Terry got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a
glue gun. He hand painted it in gold leaf, got out his loom, and made a blanket
in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, he made a white horse to
pull it from DNA that he had just sitting around in Pat’s craft room.
Not to brag or
anything, but Thom finally achieved Diamond status on his Hilton Honors card,
thanks to the AWS National Convention. Do you know what that means? It means
that he get a free bottle of water on check in, sometimes two. You’re jealous,
aren’t you? Frequently he gets a parking spot under a street light and perhaps
best of all; he might get a Toblerone
candy bar. Perks, my Friends! Perks!
Merry Xmas, Happy Hanukkah, and/ or
whatever alternative Holiday you may choose to observe,
Your Board
No comments:
Post a Comment