Holiday Notes from the Chair

Just when you think you’ve almost made it through this unbearable season with only minor emotional scarring and that last trip to the Wine & Spirits store (with the “casual” employees) didn’t put you over the edge, they start to infest your mailbox. And then those violent holiday tendencies start to resurface again.

I’ve tried to be good this year, too. Not one fruitcake returned though a thoughtless friend’s front window and I haven’t even set one of the dogs on a gaggle of terrified carolers. (I do miss watching them scatter and slip on the ice.)

Don’t try acting like you don’t know what we’re talking about, either. It’s those overly optimistic Christmas letters extolling the fictional virtue of your family intended only to make our pathetic lives pale in comparison. Don’t pretend you don’t send them, because we know you do.

Does anyone really care if baby Timmy mastered the art of toilet training at the age of three weeks (unless he’s at my house)? Our lives would still be complete if we never knew that little Suzy translated the Bible from the original Aramaic? And what made you think we really wanted to hear about your visit to Dollywood?

Do you really want to make everyone happy this holiday season? Don’t even think about sending a Christmas letter, or better yet, how about penning a holiday missive that makes us all feel a little bit better about ourselves. The Board suggests something along the lines of this:

Dear Friends and Fellow Wine Lovers,

We’d apologize for sending you this impersonal form letter. The truth is we’re not that close, and you’re not nearly important enough for us to take the time to write you each a personal letter, but, the Board wanted to keep you up to date, so . . .

They did it! Tim and Brittany finally got those indoor facilities installed in the doublewide. They’ll be no more running across Route 19 to the Get Go in the middle of night for Brittany. She got pretty mad when her butt froze to the toilet seat last time, and she had to sit there all night. As Tim always likes to say, “Nothing’s too good for my blushing bride!”

I’m sure you saw Leeanna on that episode of "Cops" as she was chasing Rich down the street with a cast iron frying pan and wearing nothing but her underwear. She wasn’t too happy when she caught him messing around with the Barolo in the wine cellar, but Rich was proud to say that he was the one that bought her those “If you can read this I must be drunk” panties last Christmas.

Terry is still working with the decontamination crew down at the nuclear plant, but it’s not so bad. With all those glowing body parts, Pat says that if he takes his clothes off and she hangs a few ornaments on him, it’s even better than the Christmas tree down at the Moose Lodge.

And thank the Lord! Kathleen will be out on parole in time for Christmas. She swears that she was just helping out when the police caught her running from the Suds ‘n Duds with all those wet clothes. Some folks say that girl won’t amount to much, but we think she’s got a real future on the Liquor Control Board.

More good news! Dennis is finally coming home from the hospital. You may have already heard about his unfortunate “No Ragrets” tattoo incident. Of course, the infection set in soon after he tried to make the corrections himself with a soldering iron.

Earlier this November, Metha shot her first doe up there in Butler, and she and Bob now are the proud owners of a freezer full of venison.  At least it’s not opossum or squirrel.  So far Bob says his favorite meal is spaghetti and deer balls. They can’t decide, though, whether it goes better with Franzia or Mad Dog.

Matt and Carol are planning to have the traditional holiday meal again.  No one carves a corn dog like Matt, and with Carol adding the Cheez Whiz decorations in the shapes of stars and Christmas trees, life doesn’t get any better!

The highlight of my year was my trip to Branson, MO. That Elvis impersonator got me so choked up I went right out and had “Hunka Burning Love” tattooed right across my right cheek. Long live the King!

As I sit here thinking about all the trials and tribulations our wonderful Board faced last year, and all of our collected accomplishments, I can’t help but find myself comforted by the thought that we don’t have to see any of you this season, and we’re not nearly as bad as the Kardashians.

Yours truly,

Fearless Leader and Your Executive Board

Now, not only would I be proud to be part of such an intriguing group, or have such interesting friends, but one can’t help but step a little bit lighter after reading something as uplifting as that letter right smack in the middle of a stressful holiday season.  So unless you can come up with something similar, stop sending Christmas letters! If you don’t, I’ll tell Tim and Brittany you want them to move in with you!

Cheers!

F.L.